SCIFI RAZOR

I think I may have always had a knack for getting people to believe ridiculous and outrageous things. Here are just a few examples.

Bigfoot was living under my house.

Marlin Perkins and Jim were saving the Nagas from extinction by carrying them off to a preserve with helicopters.

The big white L decal in Britain stands for lethal driver.

I’ve had my mother really ticked off at me for a while. I convinced her I was not happy with the water bill and was making the family take only one bath a week and reuse the same water.

Years before the Jerk came out I had everyone at work convince I was born a poor black child. I’m about as white as you can get by the way.

So what does this have to do with the Evil Genius getting a date? Nothing really but it may make you have some pity for a poor Yankee girl.

Back during the time I was black I was dating a girl from Maryland. I being from Tennessee should have known these mixed relationships seldom work out and it was just a matter of time before prejudice split us apart.

I don’t remember just exactly what we were talking about during this particular date but I do remember her making the comment that people from the south were “quaint.”

“Quaint,” I asked?

“You know quaint,” she said.

“I think you mean backward,” I said. I’m in a sulk now the gears in my head are spinning.

“No, just quaint,” she said.

Letting her think I had dropped the subject I invited her to my grandparent’s house for Sunday dinner.

“I think you would enjoy meeting my grandfather. He’s a very interesting man,” I said.

“Really, how so,” she asked?

“He’s like a living Fox Fire book. He knows how do things that few people remember how to anymore,” I replied.

“Like what,” she asked?

“Well, he has a worm guitar,” I said.

“Worm Guitar,” she said!

“Yes, it’s made out of worms,” I said.

“You can’t make a guitar out of worms,” she said.

“Actually it’s just the strings that are made out of worms,” I said.

“You can’t make guitar strings out of worms,” she said.

“Just because you Yankees can’t make guitar strings out of worms you think no one else can either,” I said. She’s in a sulk now so I let the subject drop. There’s no more mention of worm guitars.

Sunday arrives I and my girl are at my grandparent’s house. I introduce my girl to my grandparents and guess what comes out of her mouth.

“Mr. Sluder I’ve been looking forward to meeting you,” she said. “May I see your worm guitar,” she asked?

My grandfather looked at me and asked, “Is there something wrong with this girl?”

That was the moment I turned to my girl and said, “We may be quaint but we don’t believe in worm guitars.”

The relationship went down hill from there.

Life as an Evil Genius can be lonely at times but that’s to be expected because we are so few. But there may be hope. I’m starting to suspect this lady at work is playing with my head like a kitten with a ball of yarn. I’ve told her I think she is “Pure Evil.”

I think I like her.

1. When I die, I want to die like my grandfather–who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.”
–Author Unknown

 2. Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: “Take two aspirin” and “Keep away from children.”
–Author Unknown

3. “Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that. It’s called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar.”
–Drew Carey

4. “The problem with the designated driver program, it’s not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house.”
–Jeff Foxworthy

5. “If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant’s life, she will choose to save the infant’s life without even considering if there is a man on base.”
–Dave Barry

6. “Relationships are hard. It’s like a full time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks’ notice. There should be severance pay, the day before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp.”
–Bob Ettinger

7. “My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, ‘Mom, they weren’t trying to teach you how to swim.’”
–Paula Poundstone

8. “A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: “Duh.”
–Conan O’Brien

9. “Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I’m halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God…. I could be eating a slow learner.”
–Lynda Montgomery

10. “I think that’s how Chicago got started. Bunch of people in New York said, ‘Gee, I’m enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn’t cold enough. Let’s go west.’”
–Richard Jeni

11. “If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.”
–Johnny Carson

12. “Sometimes I think war is God’s way of teaching us geography.”
–Paul Rodriguez

13. “My parents didn’t want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that’s the law.”
–Jerry Seinfeld

14. “Remember in elementary school, you were told that in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic in that? What, do tall people burn slower?”
–Warren Hutcherson

15. “Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same.”
–Oscar Wilde

16. “Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Parliament.. But I repeat myself.”
–Mark Twain

17. “Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Afghanistan.”
–A. Whitney Brown

18. “You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, ‘My God, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!’”
–Dave Barry

19. Do you know why they call it “PMS”? Because “Mad Cow Disease” was taken.
–Unknown, presumed deceased

20. “Everybody’s got to believe in something. I believe I”ll have another beer.”
– W. C. Fields

I’ve been playing around with the StumbleUpon Toolbar the last couple of days. For those that somehow don’t know. The stumble button gives you more or less random web pages to view. I say more or less because you can pay to have your page appear more often.

Fine that’s okay. What bothers me is the inordinate number of times I have had a picture of the dog with a dildo in its mouth pop up. I suppose this could be some kind of encoded message form Nostradamus regarding the Large Hardon Collider and the end of world.

Oh well! If I somehow manage to coax 666 or 2012 out of this I’ll let you know.  

These are all supposedly true but I have my doubts. Still most are good for a laugh.

Tower: “Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o’clock, 6 miles!”
Delta 351: “Give us another hint! We have digital watches!”

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Tower:“TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees.”
TWA 2341: “Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?”
Tower:“Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?”

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From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: “I’m f…ing bored!”
Ground Traffic Control:“Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!”
Unknown aircraft:“I said I was f…ing bored, not f…ing stupid!”

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O’Hare Approach Control to a 747: “United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o’clock, three miles, Eastbound.”
United 329: “Approach, I’ve always wanted to say this…I’ve got the little Fokker in sight.”

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A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, “What was your last known position?”
Student: “When I was number one for takeoff.”

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A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.
San Jose Tower Noted: “American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off
Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport.”

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There’s a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running “a bit peaked”. Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down.
“Ah,” the fighter pilot remarked, “The dreaded seven-engine approach.”

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Tower:“Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7″
Eastern 702: “Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way,after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway.”
Tower:“Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. ! Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?”
BR Continental 635: “Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern… we’ve already notified our caterers.”

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One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee.
Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, “What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?”
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: “I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I’ll have enough parts for another one.”

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The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one’s gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206:“Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway.”
Ground:“Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven.”
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground:“Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?”
Speedbird 206: “Stand by, Ground, I’m looking up our gate location now.”
Ground(with quite arrogant impatience): “Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?”
Speedbird 206 (coolly): “Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, — And I didn’t land.”

Paleoanthropology Division
Smithsonian Institute
207 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, DC 20078

Dear Sir:

Thank you for your latest submission to the Institute, labeled
“211-D, layer seven, next to the clothesline post. Hominid
skull.” We have given this specimen a careful and detailed
examination, and regret to inform you that we disagree with your
theory that it represents “conclusive proof of the presence of
Early Man in Charleston County two million years ago.” Rather, it
appears that what you have found is the head of a Barbie doll, of
the variety one of our staff, who has small children, believes to
be the “Malibu Barbie”. It is evident that you have given a great
deal of thought to the analysis of this specimen, and you may be
quite certain that those of us who are familiar with your prior
work in the field were loathe to come to contradiction with your
findings. However, we do feel that there are a number of physical
attributes of the specimen which might have tipped you off to
it’s modern origin:

     1. The material is molded plastic. Ancient hominid remains
are typically fossilized bone.

     2. The cranial capacity of the specimen is approximately 9
cubic centimeters, well below the threshold of even the earliest
identified proto-hominids.

     3. The dentition pattern evident on the “skull” is more
consistent with the common domesticated dog than it is with the
“ravenous man-eating Pliocene clams” you speculate roamed the
wetlands during that time. This latter finding is certainly one
of the most intriguing hypotheses you have submitted in your
history with this institution, but the evidence seems to weigh
rather heavily against it. Without going into too much detail,
let us say that:

          A. The specimen looks like the head of a Barbie doll
               that a dog has chewed on.
          B. Clams don’t have teeth.

It is with feelings tinged with melancholy that we must deny your
request to have the specimen carbon dated. This is partially due
to the heavy load our lab must bear in it’s normal operation, and
partly due to carbon dating’s notorious inaccuracy in fossils of
recent geologic record. To the best of our knowledge, no Barbie
dolls were produced prior to 1956 AD, and carbon dating is likely
to produce wildly inaccurate results. Sadly, we must also deny
your request that we approach the National Science Foundation’s
Phylogeny Department with the concept of assigning your
specimen the scientific name “Australopithecus spiff-arino.” Speaking
personally, I, for one, fought tenaciously for the acceptance of
your proposed taxonomy, but was ultimately voted down because
the species name you selected was hyphenated, and didn’t really
sound like it might be Latin.

However, we gladly accept your generous donation of this
fascinating specimen to the museum. While it is undoubtedly not a
hominid fossil, it is, nonetheless, yet another riveting example
of the great body of work you seem to accumulate here so
effortlessly. You should know that our Director has reserved a
special shelf in his own office for the display of the specimens
you have previously submitted to the Institution, and the entire
staff speculates daily on what you will happen upon next in your
digs at the site you have discovered in your back yard. We
eagerly anticipate your trip to our nation’s capital that you
proposed in your last letter, and several of us are pressing the
Director to pay for it. We are particularly interested in hearing
you expand on your theories surrounding the “trans-positating
fillifitation of ferrous ions in a structural matrix” that makes
the excellent juvenile Tyrannosaurus rex femur you recently
discovered take on the deceptive appearance of a rusty 9-mm
Sears Craftsman automotive crescent wrench.

                              Yours in Science,

                              Harvey Rowe
                              Curator, Antiquities