EVIL GENIUS DISCOVERS GUN POWDER
Doggers and Marvin
Just to illustrate that the incident with electricity was not an isolated event. This is what transpired when I became interested in gun powder and rockets.
Space travel was big at the time this happen. The trip to the moon was just a couple of years away. Somehow I got into my fiendish little head I would build a rocket and beat everyone to the moon. Hey how hard can it be they did it on the cartoons I watched all the time?
So back to the World Book Encyclopedia and The Amateur Scientist for more research. I read that the simplest rocket would be a black powder rocket. Simple was good I was on a tight time schedule. Remember I was going to get to the moon first.
Anyway, I read that gun powder also known as black powder was made from sulfur, charcoal, and saltpeter. Sulfur and charcoal was no problem but what was this salt peter?
So I was off to the local drug store to see if I could get saltpeter.
The druggist for whatever reason was one of my frequent co conspirators and would often sell me things of questionable use to young boy for example lead arsenic. This time though I was after saltpeter. The druggist typically would ask me what I was going to do with whatever I wanted at the time.
He asked, “What are you going to do with the saltpeter?”
“I’m going to use it for what everyone uses it for,” I replied.
For some reason he thought this was hilarious. It would be a few years before I found out that a common belief was that saltpeter suppresses the male libido. This is not true by the way.
He asked, “Maybe you should tell me what everyone uses it for?”
“Why gunpowder,” I said.
“Ok but be careful,” he said and gave me the saltpeter.
So with materials in hand I proceeded to make my gun powder. Everything seemed to be going as planned but it was getting late and my mother told me it was time for bed. I placed the small amount of gunpowder I made into a metal Doans’ pill bottle and sat it on the bookcase style headboard of my bed.
I woke up the following mourning and it being Saturday I turned on the small black and white TV to watch cartoons. I had forgotten about my gunpowder until “Duck Doggers of the 24 ½ Century” came on. He had a rocket if you don’t remember and was going to save the Earth’s only source for the shaving cream atom Illudium Phosdex.
“My gunpowder,” I said aloud. I took the cap off the bottle and sat it back down on the headboard of the bed. I went into the kitchen and got some matches and returned to my bedroom. I struck a match and dropped it into the bottle nothing. I looked inside the bottle nothing. I struck another match nothing. One more match still nothing. Disappointed I thought I must have done something wrong so I lay back down to watch some more cartoons.
While I was laying there I heard this roaring sound start. I was trying to puzzle out what this could be when a red hot sulfur ball hit me on the shoulder. I jumped up and looked at the headboard of my bed. The Doan’s pill bottle had a rocket like flame shooting out of it maybe two feet long. Smoke was boiling up to the ceiling and mushrooming off it like some small version of an atomic bomb. Well, I certainly had accomplished my goal of making a rocket engine.
I was taking this all in when I heard my mother yell, “What have you done now?” I did the only thing an eleven year old boy could do in a situation like this. I went out through the window. I stayed hid until nightfall and finally broke down and went home. My parents then administered a brief but intense session of therapeutic child abuse. It was ok to do this back then.
Never did make it to the moon or get a time machine to work but I still have high hopes for both.
EVIL GENIUS DISCOVERS ELECTRICITY
Frankenstien Lab
Somehow or another I hit upon the notion I would like to make a spark machine like I saw in the Frankenstein movies. So while searching the World Book Encyclopedia I came across an article about the induction coil.
I remember reading that it took a low voltage and stepped it up to a much higher voltage. At the time I had no idea what this meant but it sounded like I was on the right track. Readingon I discovered it was also known as an ignition coil and was used to step up the 12 volts to from the car battery to produce the 20,000 volts spark for the spark plugs. Eureka! I had found it.
It just so happened that an uncle had gave me a 24 volt battery to play with. That alone should give you some idea what kind of child I was. My mind was spinning with the possibilities, “I should be able to get 40,000 volts.” It was time to visit another uncle who just happened to be a mechanic. The uncle was an easy sell and gave me an old ignition coil.
With coil in had and some old wire from an extension cord I wired up the coil to the battery. With the wire from the center tap I began touching everything I could reach trying to make a spark. Nothing! So I grabbed the bare end of the wire to see if I could feel anything.
After I woke up I was pretty sure the last thing I remember was grabbing the end of the wire. What I needed was a test subject. I invited my best friend at the time over and cajoled him into touching the end of the wire. After it knocked him out I decided my suspicions were confirmed. So back to the world book to see there was anything that I missed.
I reread the article and saw that an ignition coil requires AC voltage. Flipping over to AC voltage I discovered that it stood for alternating current and a typical wall outlet in a house was 120 volts AC. Now my mind really was spinning 200,000 volts!
Since I decide that this would be the final product I built a wooden box to house my device. On completion I carried it into the kitchen and sat it near the sink. I adjusted the center tap wire so it was near the faucet, about three inches.
I started to plug it in and for once a cautious thought entered my head. The top row of outlets near the sink could be turned on and off by a light switch. I turned the switch off and then plugged in my spark machine and then returned to the switch near the door.
I turned on the switch. To say the results were interesting would be a gross understatement. The box was dancing about the counter top humming like some pestilent from hell and the chrome on the faucet was being burnt off by an incredibly bright blue arc of electricity. When the box began to smoke I decided it was time to dive behind the door for cover. This is when the explosion occurred.
Looking from my hiding place I saw the coil that was in the ignition coil shoot across the room like some fiendish slinky and ricochet off the ceiling and walls. I flipped off the switch and surveyed the damage.
There was not an inch of that kitchen that didn’t have black burnt transformer oil on it. The smoke and smell was terrible. I knew I was dead.
Fortunately we were going to paint the kitchen top to bottom that weekend so the means to correct this was at hand. I called my three aunts and told them what I had done. When they came over and saw the kitchen the most uttered phrased was, “My God!” They helped me clean the kitchen and paint everything. This was not the first time they had conspired to keep me alive. Working at feverish pace we managed to get everything done before my mother came home from work.
When my mother came home she stopped in the kitchen and got a puzzled look on her face.
“What has happened here,” she asked?
“I didn’t have anything to do so I got my aunts to help me paint the kitchen for you,” I replied.
“How sweet for that I’ll make you your favorite pie,” she said.
“What happened to the faucet,” she asked?
“Don’t know the chrome just started comming off,” I replied.
Hmmm! Coconut Cream it was great.
HAVE YOU TRIED REBOOTING THE DEATH RAY?
Death Ray
Would you believe a friend of mine had a similar plan using a time machine which involved cloning. What an idiot! I had to patiently explain to him that while he was dealing with the messy detail of cloning I would have zipped back, beaten my on ass, hooked up with the girl, and collapsed this time line. If I’ve said it once I’ve said it a thousand times, “Leave this stuff to Evil Geniuses. It’s not for amateurs.”
So what’s a guy to do with all these frustrations life throws at you? The obvious answer to everything is a Death Ray.
While surfing for death rays I ran across another Evil Genius. Greg Bulmash has the blog Brain Handles and from reading his blog it’s apparent to me that we share a similar warped sense of humor. Below is a small sample from “Have You Tried Rebooting The Death Ray.” It’s worth a visit and I think you will enjoy it.
ACME Weapons Systems would like to thank you for holding. We appreciate your patience. Your estimated wait time is thirty eight minutes. This call may be recorded for training purposes. Please hold for the next available representative.
Brad: Thank you for calling ACME Weapons Systems tech support. My name is Brad, how may I help you today?
Schmerz von Evilstein: Yeah, I ordered your Giant Death Ray off of Amazon last week. It got here yesterday, I set it up, and it’s not working right.
Brad: What seems to be the problem?
Schmerz von Evilstein: I just fired it at Switzerland to prove my evil intent to the United Nations and it fizzled. According to observers on the ground, 3 chickens exploded, a goat lost its equilibrium, and a farmer had a burning sensation when he peed… though I can’t be sure we’re responsible for that last one.
Brad: Have you tried rebooting the death ray?
Click Have You Tried Rebooting The Death Ray to continue.
By the way Greg needs an Evil Lair click here to help.
HYPER DIMENSIONAL RESONATOR
Well I’m back on the time travel kick. Maybe Uncle Rico didn’t have any luck with his Hyper Dimensional Resonator but maybe your luck will be better. Probably just got the quantum fluctuations out of phase.
I guess I shouldn’t be surprised but I was amazed that there is a ton of information on the Internet about this device.
The text below is from the catalog listing for the device at Future Horizons inc. Future Horizons product listing includes Anti-Gravity, Psionics, Time Travel, Ufo and believe or not Strange Science. That should make you visit the site just to see what they call Strange.
This Hyper-Dimensional Resonator hooks up to the head of the user and by setting the dial, it will allow it’s user to spontaneously astral project. And once your able to astral project, you can travel in space and time either to the future or the past. This is no joke!! Plugs into a normal 110 volt outlet.
TIME MACHINE FOR SALE
Below is an auction for a Time Machine on the Trade ME auction site in New Zealand. Be sure to read the Questions and Answers. Looks like the Kiwis had a good bit of fun with this one.
Time machine |
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Unfinished project.
Started making a machine to facillitate time travel, unfortunately I just dont have the time to complete it. Have had mixed results, so no guarantees. Would suit DIY handyman with quantum physics background or similar intersest. No time wasters please ! Would consider swap for anti-gravity machine |